Thursday, March 22, 2012

things unworthy of nostalgia

Feeling extra-critical today, I compiled a list of things from the past that aren't worth our yearning. Only after much consideration did I arrive at the few items below that made the cut. 

Woodstock: This will undoubtedly come across blasphemous especially in hindsight of brochella, but if you've actually read accounts of people who attended the festival, the music is always mentioned second to either the heat, the contaminated water supply, or the inescapable smell of sewage from overflowing porta potties. Plus I'm bored of "Woodstock" as everybody's answer to "If you could travel back in time to a specific moment in history, which would it be?" What about James Brown live at The Apollo in '62 or the mega jam sesh in '88 between Mick Jagger, George Harrison, Ringo Starr, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Jeff Beck, Elton John, Billy Joel, John Fogerty, Neil Young, the Beach Boys, and Les Paul and the Drifters. There are better options imho. 

Moustaches: Congratulations, Millenials! Moustaches have persisted to be more than a transient fad. Not only are they appearing on fratbro, hipster wannabes, but on necklaces, coffee mugs, and baby bibs, too. Please don’t try this one at home; I promise you won’t be able to pull it off like Tom Selleck or Frida Kahlo.

Silent movies: The 20th century has bred an increasingly ADD-prone population and I include myself in that category. While some contemporary actors and actresses are so unbearably terrible that I wish films were still silent, geeking out to Star Wars and LOTR just wouldn't be the same without sound. 

Cassettes & CDs: Although there are few sounds I adore more than that of a needle hitting the periphery of a vinyl record, I cannot deny the convenience and flawless sound of digital recordings. Cassettes were a bit before my time, but I remember what a hassle it was to carry around my case of CDs in addition to my walkman and clunky headphones. 

Typewriters: I have author-hopeful friends who attempt to channel Hemingway through writing on typewriters, but honest to god, all typewriters are is a hindrance to creative output. Not only do they require constant maintenance and repair, but also my hard-earned 120 wpm goes to shit. Why not use a computer and get down to business?

The Middle Ages: Hollywood period pieces make the days of the Monarchy look so goddamn glamorous, but if there’s one underappreciated technological innovation that I couldn’t live without, it’s modern plumbing. And the rampant diseases are definitely worth a mention…dysentery, ergotism, leprosy, small pox, typhoid fever…god bless modern medicine.

College: Homework, exams, papers, grades, obnoxious classmates, near brain dead classmates, alcohol-induced brain dead classmates, three-hour lectures, greek life, disgusting living arrangements that could afford an entire year of food for a third world village, feigned interest in football, the fine line between non-consensual sex and date rape, broken bones, broken morals, and broken souls are a few aspects of college, to name a few, that deserve scorn. 

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