Thursday, October 4, 2012

introverts anonymous

What turned me on was having no one to detract from this moment that reacquainted me with true bliss. No one. Absolutely no one and nothing except for a nudge from my roommate that came in the form of a "quiet the fuck down" cough. That, which bore no significance to me because she's a c-u-n-t, aside, the fact that I was able to enjoy my post-binge drinking bout was enough to make me feel whole again. I felt empowered, immortal. With nobody to elicit any moral considerations, I could do anything, drive to Mexico wholly inebriated and incoherent, whatever the fuck I wanted. As pleasant as it would be to have someone who cares enough to tell me otherwise, it was liberating to know that I could make my own decisions, however assinine. It's a different, basic kind of satisfaction not having to answer to anyone. I could run off, break hearts, or eat like there would be no food for the rest of the month with zero inhibition. I deeply appreciated the agency to make decisions I'd regret in the morning; I'd never before felt so free. Yes, it's the same freedom that I fear, that I reject and label Loneliness, but I began to realize its significance. I never knew how much I craved this sentiment. I could fuck up and disturb no one, hurt no one.

"I am a golden god[dess]!"

Fact: Loneliness can be manipulated into Utility.